Monday, October 06, 2003

On heroes:

In my childhood I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to save people’s lives, preferably in very public ways, resulting in admiration by the masses and ceremonies awarding me medals and the undying gratitude of nations, all of which I would accept with great modesty, shrugging off my exploits with a casual “it was nothing” or “I just did what anyone would” or, even better, “I didn’t really think about it, I just reacted.” Those awe-inspiring actions were just built in to my character, noble fellow that I was.

Now I don’t like ceremonies, am uncomfortable when singled out for public attention, and don’t want to be a hero. Being a hero is too big a burden. Heroes are distant, separated from other people. They do great things. Lincoln is a hero; Churchill is a hero; Gandhi is a hero.

I want to do small things. Good things, but small. “The little nameless unremembered acts of kindness and of love” is a quote I remember reading somewhere. It sums up my ambitions now. I wish I could place where I found that line, which I’ve probably quoted inaccurately. I want to live a life of small acts, so that when I die people who encountered me have positive associations that they can’t quite name or recall, but the aura around any memory they have is a positive one.

I can live with small bits of living, just as I choose to live with the Mississippi early in its journey toward the Gulf. The river is comprehensible here, meandering eastward, before it begins its long plunge south to the sea. It’s manageable. It won’t yet handle great chains of barges. I do my living day by day, my teaching class by class, my writing piece by piece. No epics for me, no larger than life achievements, no fame, no revolutions, no nourishing of continents. I prefer small, steady progress toward simple goals. Self improvement, student welfare, honest writing.

I’ll admire Lincoln and Churchill and Gandhi. I will not admire athletic criminals; I will not worship celebrities for the sake of their celebrity. I will respect accomplishments and principled lifestyles. I will try to live in accordance with principles of my own.

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